The hardest thing for me as a child, I would say was growing up without the discipline that a child should receive when they are young. Some may think I am crazy for saying this but it is true. I was allowed to roam free and do whatever it was that I wanted to do. If I didn't want to go to school then I didn't. If I wanted to go out past 10 pm at night then I did it. I was able to drink alcohol and even smoke marijuana whenever I wanted to. It was like no one cared. I was spiraling out of control and no one would do anything.
I once stole my aunt's car while she was sleeping. Well, I did it more than once. I should say I finally got caught one night and she threatens to call the police on me. What did I do? I went into the bathroom and started putting on makeup and brushing my hair. I told my aunt to let me know when the police got there. To me, it was a call for help and no one was willing to give me the help I needed. I wanted to be punished. At least then it would let me know someone cared.
I remember in May of 1994, I got into an argument with my 10th-grade science teacher. The argument was over who was allowed to eat in class. Yes, I know it was a silly argument but I didn't care. I never ate in the cafeteria so why not in class. I told the teacher to take his fat ass back to Syria. He told me to get out of his class and go to the office. I quit school that day. Why? Because I knew I would be expelled if I went to the office and be put back in 10th grade again. I was already a year behind due to not attending school.
A week after dropping out of school I joined the Louisiana National Guard Youth Challenge Program. I think I was the only one that joined freely. Everyone else was court ordered to go. The program was run by the Louisiana National Guard and was held on an actual National Guard base in Pineville, Louisiana. The first two weeks there was hell week. It was just like I had joined the military. For once in my life, I thought I finally found what I have been looking for. I finally got the punishment that I was seeking. It felt good.
I was in the first class to take the GED and passed with flying colors. I get bored too easily so after taking the test we were able to get "little" jobs outside of the base. It was okay but I prefer to be on base around the military personnel than working with civilians. Once the program was over in December we were allowed to go back home. Something that I did not want to do. I ended up worse than before, still had no discipline at home.
My grandmother died May of 1995, shortly after returning home. It was like my world just crumbled apart. My depression got worse and I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Why did I have to grow up so fast?
